LAW FIRM SLOGANS

Entre Nous- March 06

Claude Ducloux

            When I was in law school, studying under Hammurabi I, the notion of  lawyer advertising was abhorrent; it was obscene. “Goodness, we’re professionals, not appliance salesman!” my professor told us, the edge of his lip quivering with anger.  Instead, with duplicitous temerity, law firms instead regularly published and shared “fee schedules” guiding lawyers on how much to charge a client for various legal services, a practice which the US Supreme Court found a bit…anticompetitive.  Lawyers violating the law?  Shocking.  

I love irony.  Which reminds me: in a matter related to lawyer competence, we all need to appreciate the greatest irony of the now fabled Hopwood decision, which threw out UT Law School’s admissions program.  All these brilliant law professors couldn’t design an admissions program which could pass legal muster.  Hey, Timmy Tenure, not so easy here in the real world, is it?  Truly, many of these men and women are brilliant.  But I’ve been acquainted with more than one to whom I wouldn’t entrust defending a parking ticket.  But I digress.

The next whistle stop was Bates v.State Bar of Arizona,  in which the US Supremes said in 1977 that even lawyers have right to commercial speech.  And the real advertising began.  As we know, some of it is dreadful, stupid, and demeaning.  I cringe when I read that dopey ad,  “It helps me sneak up on ‘em.”  Does that really work?  Regardless of my nausea, the State Bar has seen, curiously, in the disciplinary cases that although the public doesn’t particularly embrace advertising, they’re not offended by lawyer ads.  Surveys of jurors who’ve rule for respondent lawyers say, “we’re bombarded with every type of ad all day long, from drugs to dogfood.  So, if a lawyer advertises… eh…no big deal.”

So now, it’s really on, and now the “deep rug” firms are now huckstering it up (albeit in an incredibly dignified way) with expensive marketing, public relations, and the best part… slick slogans!  Don’t you love it?

Hughes-Luce:  “Know-how to Win”

Haynes-Boone:  “Setting Precedent”

Thompson-Knight:  “Impact” 

            On the downside, apparently, is that when you get a slogan, you lose your ampersand.

Now, obviously, somebody’s making some money on these firms.  I can see a young marketing grad, meeting with the firm partners, his cropped hair spiked with gel, his blue serge suit hugging his figure except for the bulges caused by the complement of wireless accessories which are de riguer for anyone under 30.  We’re talking theme, we’re talking attitude, It’s about

public image, baby. It’s big bucks.   And I want in.

            It’s time I found a new gig, something that doesn’t require doing anything more than selling a dream. Promising self-imposed importance surrounded by the fog of dignity.  It’s marketing.  I’ve come    to cash in.

            But I refuse to lie.  Every one of these proposed slogans are unfortunately tainted by my experience as a lawyer. So, here’s my sampling of proposed big firm slogans.  The firm names are fictitious of course, so don’t try to figure who it fingers.  Just be amazed. And don’t ask me how I do this.  I couldn’t teach it.  It’s a gift.  Here they are:

Halfbright & Jawalski:   “Billing a Better Future”

LockBox Libell:  “Your Money is Safer With Us”

VanGogh & Ellens:  “Vision… to See Beyond Conflicts.”

Winled:   “More Words for your Dollar.”

Wackson & Johnson, Anti-Trust Litigation:  “The Rainforest is Overrated”

Graves Doughnut:  “Building Chinese Walls since 1948”

Fred Berry, Family Law:  “She’s a Tramp, …and We’ll Prove It!”

Bigger, Staff & Clever: “Raiding the AG’s Office since 1982”

Curshnuts & Flimmer, Personal Injury: “You’re not Cured until They’re Insured”

Brown & McKing, Personal Injury defense:  “Overstaffing at Reasonable Rates”

Alex, Jones, & DuBonnet, Appellate Law:  “Briefly Speaking, We’re the Best”

Sheiss & Merdant:  “Courage to Go Deep”

So remember, in a culture which treats the truth like a pedestrian on a crowded freeway, image is everything.   I’m also available to help you choose website colors and how to smirk for the photos.  Have your people call me.  I’ll be wireless.

Keep the faith